This is So Chic, Very Chic, PAPER’s examination of Bravo’s sprawling cohort of fashion obsessives. From haute couture to TJ Maxx, they’ve literally worn it all. Sometimes they stunt, sometimes they turn the look, and sometimes they burn holes in retinas my ophthalmologist says might never heal.
I went on a walk this afternoon to get boba tea, as I often do when overwhelmed. It was a preternaturally sunny day in Philadelphia, at least for spring, and I’d fished out my battered Tevas from behind the pile of winter boots and beat up Uggs, donning a summer dress and putting my hair up with a scarf, just to feel the warmth on my shoulders.
The way to the boba shop is meandering and peaceful, especially in the late afternoon, long stretches of park giving way to flowers and trees punctuated only by a bridge over some train tracks. They cut a cold line through nature, reminding me that all things end: the park, the cherry blossom blooms, the winter, the Philadelphia public infrastructure budget. Two scraggly trees hold a lonely guard at the bridge’s base, and as I passed beneath them, I took note of a thick black bumblebee lazily holding court about four feet from the ground. It was unmoving, except for the faint shimmer of its wingers, completely unbothered by my presence or the gentle hum of cars on the road. I smiled, giving it enough berth to continue on with its business.
And on I went. The boba shop had a new lavender matcha concoction on offer. It made a nice addition to my usual order of mango lychee and half the usual sweetness. Headphones back on, listening to “Headphones On,” I cut through a side street across from the wood and made my way back over the bridge, stopping again at its base. There it was, the bee, remaining totally unmoved by the passing of time or the world around it. In this small fragment of nature, where things struggled to break up through the concrete, there this little bug was, making do. I felt in that moment a profound sense of connectedness to the bee, to the season. To this little patch of concrete and garbage.
My domain is less pleasant than some dead trees over a bridge, but it’s full with just about as much garbage. Shall we sift through it, together?
The Real Housewives of Atlanta
The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Angela Oakley
Come through, Miss Angela! This lady has genuinely tickled me this season, which is quite undignified for a royal, seeing as the purple color story here is very regal. It’s the obvious signifier to point out when someone wears a color as bold as purple, sure. But if there’s any contender for the new Queen of Atlanta, Angela is the clear frontrunner. And for good reason! She shows up, she shows out, and she puts some damn clothes on. Now, not too much clothes, like Shamea or Britt or Marlo, rest her soul. But just enough clothes, and with the personality to match their energy.
Best of all? She’s got Porsha in a real twist, something that hasn’t happened since that particular locomotive expert dragged Kenya Moore across the floor a decade ago. Kenya! Another soul I’ll pray for, up there with Marlo and Nene and Shereé and Mama Joyce. God bless them all.
Drew Sidora
If there’s a trend, Drew is late to it. She missed the boat on leopard by quite a few spins around the Bravo solar system. Never mind, though, because here she is in a teeny tiny little itsy bitsy mini dress with some more crucifixes and shiny hair. God bless her heart too!
Cynthia Bailey
Elvira got a new job as a reality television guest star on The Real Housewives of Atlanta, a twist nobody saw coming, least of all me. I miss Cynthia when she’s not around, although it seems she doesn’t miss this job very much. Still, it’s nice to see her put on a bedazzled blazer and heave her tits up to her neck, which is where mine rest too most days. A true gothic queen in her lakeside estate! (Do goths like lakes?)
Kelli Ferrell
I’m going to set up a security perimeter around every Amazon drop-off point and craft fabric store and Wet Seal in a one thousand mile radius around Kelli, lest she put on one more ostrich feather shawl. I’m serious! Just one more, and I’m burning down an abandoned Charlotte Russe.
Brit Eady
Speaking of Charlotte Russe, here’s former employee Britt Eady in a keyhole dress with too many straps, more ostrich feathers, a fun statement necklace and too much screen time compared to Kenya Moore, who absolutely did something heinously wrong, but also never threatened her coworkers with gun violence. She did, however, wear many fun necklaces and keyhole dresses in her time.
The Valley
The Valley
Jesse Lally
Name a man smarmier, more manipulative or with a more extensive “fitness” hat collection than Jesse Lally. Now ask if that man ever accused his soon-to-be ex-wife and the mother of his children, who will surely grow up someday to see this, of sleeping with billionaires for chump change. The answer is probably no. If Michelle ever cheated on him, he deserved it, least of all for his too tight polos and nouveau-riche wristwatch sensibilities.
Michelle Saniei
Michelle might be going through a rough time this season, but god damn does she look chic! Even better, she’s a beautiful crier, a rarity on reality television and an even bigger rarity under the Vanderpump Rules programming umbrella. This olive suit top is nothing to gush over, but the color is exquisite on her, and really, I’d rather take a million wrinkled blazers on Michelle over a single sport polo on her devious ex-husband.
Zack Wickham
I don’t have anything interesting to point out here except that hats made a big showing on The Valley this week. Here’s Zack against a distressed wood backdrop in a cap of some sort — not quite a snapback, because there doesn’t seem to be a snap in sight. I’m sure I could find it on ASOS though, if I had the energy.
This Future Cult Leader
Kristen Doute would fall in love with (let alone get pregnant with) a man who dresses like a charismatic and deeply sinister leader in a soon-to-be HBO docuseries about a twin flame tantric sex cult in Denver, Colorado. That said, he’s never looked better! The new beard and tight fitting sport coat both work in his favor against this red backdrop in the booth.
Summer House
Ciara Miller
Ciara is the most beautiful woman alive in the most confusing clothing of all time. I love it, then I hate it, then I’m mystified by it. My favorite part of this particular outfit? The puka shell necklaces. I think they tell a nice nautical story with the fishnet detailing on the dress. She’s dressed like a mermaid in a bad Disney Channel original movie about a teen who discovers a magic conch shell in a box of her dead mom’s old belongings.
Amanda Batula
Don’t piss me off, Amanda! Don’t piss me off! Unfollow Hailey Bieber and the Rhode Beauty Instagram and TikTok pages immediately, before you piss me off some more!
Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal