This is So Chic, Very Chic, PAPER’s examination of Bravo’s sprawling cohort of fashion obsessives. From haute couture to TJ Maxx, they’ve literally worn it all. Sometimes they stunt, sometimes they turn the look, and sometimes they burn holes in retinas my ophthalmologist says might never heal.
In no particular order, I’ve been working on a list of people crucial to the functioning of the internet: trans women in Louisville who rave too much for their own good, gay guys that work at Panera Bread and run Real Housewives burner accounts, Club Chalamet, Floridians that make relationship skits on Instagram reels, pop star meme accounts run by Brazilians, Teen Wolf fanfiction writers that have recently become obsessed with The Pitt, and disgruntled New York City party veterans who tweet derisive comments about who or what featured is in PAPER.
The gay guys that work at Panera Bread are top of mind today, mostly because I miss the lemonade that could kill you, but also because the X algorithm is getting worse. Each day, it feeds me increasingly indigestible streams of their posts, all from accounts called @SonjasLeftNipple or @TeresasMaid or @ShannonBeador911. Of course they’re all subscribed to the website, which makes their ranking in the algorithm more prominent on my For You feed, and of course, I click on all their posts and angrily read the bad opinions about this and that show or such and such plotline. I am, definitively, the problem.
What’s worse, however, is the way that they’ve become de facto new sources not just for the internet, but for Bravo-lebrities themselves, who treat Instagram stories from @BravoandCocktails like CNN breaking news reports on the situation in Yemen. And still I sit, and scroll, and fume, and stifle the urge to send out self-important news bulletins correcting the record or admonishing them. They can’t help it! The lemonade might not have killed them, but it certainly took out a few cognitive thinking skills in its fall from grace.
Now, should we talk about some fashion while I reference tweets from @KellyDoddAnonymous?
The Valley
The Valley
Brittany Cartwright
This outfit reads like one of those tweets written by a gay guy who works at Panera Bread who spends most of his days tweeting about how Troye Sivan is a twink over screenshots of Nicole Kidman being asked about Pop Crave on a red carpet. I love it unironically, unlike that gay guy who works at Panera Bread with hate in his heart.
Later in the episode, she wore a mail-order racing suit with some interesting patches all over it. My personal favorite is the one over her tit that reads: “OILME.”
Janet Caperna
I have to give credit where it’s due: Janet looks pleasant this week, like the church administrator in charge of ordering the Sunday morning donuts or organizing the ushers. Pleasant like a wedding planner in a movie about Bridezillas, or pleasant like a concerned mom played by Jennifer Garner in a movie about school injustice and childhood resilience.
Jax Taylor
I don’t believe a word that comes out of Jax Taylor’s mouth because I married and divorced a man like this. Better yet, I paid an embarrassing amount of money for the metaphorical antibiotics required after being in proximity to a man like this. But should anyone need a clear indication why: he’s filming his own rehab diary after 24 hours in a padded cell of his own making while wearing his shitty merch. Ruthless self promotion in rehab seems against the spirit of AA and NA, if I were to make an educated guess. Never mind the loose neckline on this H&M t-shirt.
The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Kelli Ferrell
I already warned Kelli what would happen if she wore more ostrich feathers in the confessional booth. I warned her what would befall that abandoned Charlotte Russe in the Cherry Hill mall. Sadly for her and the specter of Charlotte Russe, I made that abandoned store up, and my car doesn’t have enough gas in it to drive to Cherry Hill. Besides, if I did, I wouldn’t waste it getting to the mall. I’d drive to the Costco in Cherry Hill instead so I could sit in the food court with my hot dogs and angrily write this blog about her costume jewelry and forehead curl.
Kelli, genuinely, from my heart, I think this outfit is so silly, and I’m so glad you wore it. I’m letting go of the hate in my heart for your feathers, because I’m sure you love them, and that’s what really matters.
Brit Eady
Speaking of silly objects people love, this is now the third or fourth time we’ve seen Brit show up in her Fendi cap. Let’s all honor that by pausing, taking a moment of silence, and holding space for her Fendi cap.
Shamea Morton
I’ve been tormented by this lavender dress for a few weeks now, and I better address it, before it gets any larger and swallows this lady whole. Generally speaking, this is a great color on Shamea. She radiates beauty, and the subtle purple lid and lip really highlight her features in a beautiful way. But I must put a stop to these statement dresses that get bigger and bigger every year. I must! Sooner, rather than later, there’s not even going to be a housewife in the booth. Just a dress with a wig on.
Speaking of statement dresses, I enjoyed that Shamea really went there for Cynthia’s Juneteenth party, despite everyone’s obvious hesitations. I don’t have much to say about the outfit, but it provides necessary contrast for the next look on our roundup.
Porsha Williams
Here’s what Porsha wore to the same party. It’s a funny contrast, specifically because they often appeared in frame together, highlighting how different these two operate on the show. Porsha sees herself as above the Real Housewives of Atlanta, despite clearly wanting the job, while Shamea radiates a specific kind of desperation to be on this show at all. That’s not a criticism, to be clear. I think Shamea is a necessary and fascinating player for this go-around. But, it takes a level of commitment and delusion to hitch yourself to Porsha and show up season after season after season for little pay and little credit to finally secure “the peach”, so to speak. The last time we witnessed a similar trajectory was with Marlo, and look how that turned out!
If it seems like I’m talking about literally anything but Porsha’s outfit, maybe that’s the point!
Summer House
West Wilson
West’s trajectory from Bravo fan darling to the most hated man on Reddit is a fascinating if predictable trajectory. That said, he hasn’t helped his case by wearing silly little outfits like this. Not to knock the effort, of course, because it’s better than the button ups and t-shirts his co-stars skate by on. But when just about every girl in your vicinity calls you a manipulative player, it’s best not to dress like one too.
Lexi Wood
We’re almost done with this season of Summer House, and I realized Lexi has barely factored into any of my recaps.That said, she doesn’t give me much to work with. But she tried, and that’s what matters most. Here’s her best effort yet!
Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal